The Journal My Love Forgot
by psycho neko-chan
Summary: The account of Alois Racine and his time spent in the cellars of the Florbelle estate. Possible crack later due to Rps, but worth reading nonetheless. M for disturbing imagery. Takes place in Amnesia: Justine/possibly The Dark Descent. R and R please? ;-;
1. Entry 1

Here I am.

I've been locked down here, trembling, alone in this man made darkness. I can no longer see, but I have been given this journal and pen. It's awkward, but I can still write. Perhaps someday someone will find this.

Perhaps someday I'll see the outside world again, alongside my love Justine.


	2. Entry 2

I know what I look like.

Justine showed me her work of art before she blinded me. I cried profusely and turned to her, grabbing her hands in joy. "Thank you." I cried. To know she took the time to transform me was bliss. She loves me just that much.

She just smiled and laughed. "I expected that from you, but one can never be too sure." She moved in, her lips just barely touching my cheek, and whispered lovingly into my ear, "But I'm not done, yet, mon cheri. Close your eyes."

I welcomed the blinding pain; I'd do anything for my Justine.

But soon I realized I'd never be able to see her face again. I held back more tears, wishing I could weep, but I knew she wouldn't have liked that.

I stayed silent as she helped me to my feet. The chains jingled and I cringed; without my sight, they sounded louder.

She led me out of the room, and let go of my trembling hand. She told me to catch her; to follow the sound of her voice, and I called back playfully. The pain soon felt spectacular and I found comfort in knowing she wanted this.

But the sounds ceased and no matter how many times I called out to her, she did not reply.

So here I am, wandering the cell block where I spent many a night alongside Basile and Malo, listening to the angered man's profanity and the crying violin. I tried to tell them they should have felt blessed that she chose us, but they would not listen to my reasoning.

But that's in the past, now.

I don't know where they are, and I prefer it this way.

I want to be alone. Justine wants me to be alone.

And I'd do anything for Justine.


	3. Entry 3

My hearing has grown exponentially.

I can hear her, walking through her house; the maids and other servants. It's comforting. Yes, I'm alone down here in the dank cellars, the bowls of the Florbelle estate, but I'm happy.

However, the sounds of the past are beginning to haunt me. The orchestras I've heard, the relaxing sound of nature, the screams and shouting by my mother; everything. It's all I hear.

Basile and Malo; I don't know where they are, but I can hear them. I can hear Basile utter dark, dangerous words. Malo is even crazier than before; insane is a better word, I think.

The shrill sounds of the violin echo in this area, but I know it's not Malo; it's not him. I found his violin down here in one of the cell rooms. I smashed it to pieces, taking the wood and carving into my still fresh wounds, hoping to keep them open for my Justine.

I don't let any of this get to me; as long as I hear her disembodied voice every once in a while, I'll stay sane.

I still feel awful for what my Mother did behind my back; I never would have hired anyone to see into Justine's psyche. No one belongs there but her thoughts and her thoughts only; not even me. Not even the only one that truly loves her. Perhaps someday she will welcome me there; allow me to understand her, to tell me and teach me how her mind works. I love her so much, my dearest Justine. My writings flow better as I write her lovely name; her angelic name.

I would have killed for my Justine.

That man; I wonder if he has showed up to the house yet. I never did mention it to Justine; I didn't have the time to. My mind was filled with other things, not of the doctor or what he'd do to her. Lock her up, examine her, touch her; who knows to what depths his medicinal tests reach. Just the mere thought makes me sick.

I do hope he never sets foot in this house; I will still kill for my love, for my Justine.


	4. Entry 4

Speak of the Devil.

Someone was brought into the cellblock today. A man; and a very chatty one at that.

I was held back by some strong people; I have no idea who they were. He was put into the torture room near the cells Basile, Malo and I were incarcerated for a while.

I can't say I remember much about the room, save for its rather long table and odd mechanism inside.

When I was freed, I made my way over to the speaking man. He asked me if I had seen Justine and to watch out for her.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"I'm Dr. Victor Fournier; I came to talk to Justine, and next thing I knew I was down here. She's cunning and smart, but dangerous, I tell you. You best be on your guard, or you'll end up like me. Tell me; do you think you could get me out of here?"

Anger surged within my broken body. I wanted to get him out only to tear him to shreds. How dare he speak ill of my darling Justine.

But I knew it wasn't my choice; he would stay here until my Justine decided to let him free; if she ever would even dream about it.

"I'm blind, Doctor. I cannot see how to do such a thing." I couldn't stop my rage, so I gave in momentarily, beating against the bars that held him captive.

"But if you say one more ill word of Justine while I'm here, you may as well say goodbye to your life!" I screamed, clawing at the bars. He screeched and began to whimper, and I was happy. That kept him quiet.

I do wander around from time to time, but when I enter the cell block, he does not speak. It's for his own good he does not utter a word.

He knows I'd kill him, and I would, if it pleases Justine.


	5. Entry 5

Justine was here.

I know she was. I could feel her; hear her dainty footsteps, her ragged breath. I called out for her.

"Is that you, my love?" How I searched for her in the darkness, but to no avail. I wandered, calling out to her in the catacomb and then I heard it; the screeching of the large rusted metal door, the entry of the cell block I have lived in for the past….I don't even know how many days it's been. Perhaps it's only been a few hours. My sense of time is completely dashed; my ruined retinas don't help the matter much.

"Justine! Oh, my Justine, is that you?" I ran as fast as my mangled legs let me; the jingling of the chains ringing in my ears. The door was no match for my newly found strength; it landed on the stone ground with a crashing metallic thud, scaring even myself just a little.

"Justine?" My voice softened, trying my best not to startle her. "My dearest, where are you?" I wandered the silent cell block, but she did not speak. I groaned aloud, devastated that I missed her. I left the room, hoping I'd find her in the catacomb again.

But she wasn't there.

I hobbled back to the cell block, calling out to her once more. I ran my hands along the cold stone walls to find one of the cells doors was ajar.

It wasn't open before.

"Justine?"

I stumbled into the room, but she was not there. The room; I knew it was my cell. I felt the table, the table where I left the very personal message for her in letter form and the apology written with my own blood.

I'd do anything for Justine, even hurt myself.

The letter was missing. I cried in joy. She found it, she read it, and she cared enough to take it with her.

Dr. Fournier called out from his cell.

"Hey, is anyone there? I cannot get out of this blasted cell!" His voice was irritating; Justine had let him go, but she did not take him along. I could hear him struggle. He was still fastened to the torture table.

Now was my chance.

"Here, let me help you." I moaned, making my way to the cell. Upon investigation earlier, I had noticed a lever just outside the cell. I did not know what it did, but I figured it was the perfect time to find out.

I reached out, hands grasping the lever. I pulled it once, and he screeched along with a loud mechanical sound.

"What are you doing? Have you gone mad?" His voice; I wanted to end it. I pulled a second time. Something was moving; I did not know what it was, but I knew it would end his life.

"Please, have mercy!" He cried out, and I smirked a little.

"Mercy? For one who planned on taking my Justine apart, there will be no mercy for you. She left you here, and now I can do whatever I wish. Goodbye, Dr. Fournier." I pulled the lever thrice and I heard him gasp out, something large pierced him; the object went through flesh and bone. I cackled madly; he deserved to die.

Something rather large struck the stone floor near me, and I went to investigate it. It was a ladder.

I do not know where it leads, but perhaps I will investigate that further a little while later. For now, I pulled up a chair and sat down, basking in justice.

The man was dead and I killed him.


	6. Entry 6

The ladder.

It was a ladder that fell to the stone ground mere feet away from the chamber Dr. Fournier was held in. I tried my best, but the wheel around my neck halted me from making it into the crawlspace where I believe Justine went.

I will try to keep an open mind. I do hope I will find some way to find her; to follow her deeper into the bowels of this estate.


	7. Entry 7

Made a friend today.

A rat. I believe the rodent came from the crawlspace, smelling the decaying carcass of Dr. Fournier. I don't think it liked him much; he munches on me instead. I don't mind; the pain and fresh wounds make me happy and he can eat until he's full. He's a rather calm fellow; he even lets me pet him.

In fact, he's in my lap right now as I write this at the table.

My ink is running low, however. But it will take a while for it to be empty. I shall look for a new source of ink later.

Perhaps I shall give him a name.


	8. Entry 8

Damien's a good rat.

He's quiet and nibbles me every now and then, but seems to be plenty calm around me. He comes and goes, and gives me something to look forward to as I await Justine's return.

I heard a rat's teeth are so strong it can eat through very strong material.

Perhaps it can chew through metal. Then I may be able to journey through the crawl space. But for now I let him eat; I'm running dangerously low on ink. I've been using my own blood every now and again to conserve it. His nibbles and gnawing have come quite in handy. I fear I will run out all too soon. It is hard enough to write like this, without sight. I know my writing is plenty atrocious without adding such an obscene ink on these lovely pages.

But I must do what I need to do, if only to keep me sane a little while longer.


	9. Entry 9

I can't get Damien to try and gnaw at this metal.

He likes to climb, though. Like it's a personal gymnasium. His squeaks are just like a child's laughter. He enjoys jumping from my wheel around my neck to the table; over and over again.

I've grown attached to the little fellow. I'm now accustomed to his sounds; and when he leaves, by the crawlspace no doubt, I get depressed.

I bet we would look like an odd pair. A deformed human and a pet rat.

Or perhaps it would look normal.


	10. Entry 10

Damien is dead.

It curled up in my lap and I was petting the little thing. I picked it up, thinking it would play on my wheel, but it fell to the ground with a horrific thud.

I cried out to the furry friend, falling to my knees in search of its little lifeless body.

I was completely devastated; I still am. The poor thing didn't deserve to die. I don't know my own strength.

I killed Damien the rat.

These hands kill, this soul kills.

How can I see Justine; hold her, when I could crush her to death?

My depression runs deep now. The mere thought of squeezing the life out of her petite body makes me ill.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to face her; Justine. My Justine.

Rest in peace, little one.


	11. Entry 11

I heard a strange noise.

A cackling sound, like wood in a fire. A popping; I couldn't figure out what it is. And then it was purring and chirping. Completely dumbfounded; I had never heard something quite like it before.

"Hello?" I called out. "Is anyone there?" It gurgled and muttered, but did not speak with words I knew.

I LoVE pApa.

I'm sorry, he wrote in my journal.

He's a rather loveable fellow. It took him a little while to speak; I believe he's a supernatural being and he was learning my language slowly but surely.

"Who are you? Who is there?" I kept calling out. The mutterings became words and the next thing I knew, I was having a broken conversation with him.

"They call me Shadow." He hissed, voice getting louder as it came close to me. He chirped and grumbled, slithering on the floor.

"….What are you?" I asked, knowing it wasn't from this world.

"Don't need to know." He replied.

It touched my leg, and I shivered. "You're not…human, are you?"

"No. Not human. Not me. No." It purred. "But want to be. Limbs. Want limbs. Feet." I heard a strange sound and then he tugged on my arm.

"Swim. Come with me. Swim." It chirped happily. I picked the thing up, and found it had feet and hands. He created them.

"I-I…well, then. I'll take you swimming, but I can't get out of here." I tried to turn around and get a good look at him, but realized the habit would not be fullfilled.

"Hold on." It gurgled, and the next thing I knew, my feet was touching an unknown floor.

"Here. Brennenburg." So happy, this creature was.

"Where? Brennenburg? You can take us places? Can you take me to Justine?"

"Nope. Don't know Justine. Know Brennenburg. Find Daniel. Kill him. Hate him. He's mine, but I hate him."

"Daniel?" I didn't know this name. "Who's Daniel? He's yours?" It flapped its tendrils.

"Everything is mine. You are mine. World is mine. I hate him, but he's mine." This creature was like a child in mind. I chuckled lightly. It seemed adorable.

"Well, Shadow, I'm Alois."

"Alois. Mine." It slithered off and I heard a splashing. I followed it, being careful since I did not know where I was. I felt stone, and realized it was a rather large fountain.

"Swim." He chirped, sliding in. I heard bubbles. I grabbed the substance, and pulled it out of the water, laying it on my lap as I dipped my feet in the refreshing water.

"Can't swim. Don't like feet." Like a baby, he didn't understand how to use the limbs he created.

"Here, sit with me." I set it down on the edge with me and showed him how to dangle his feet. I heard splashing and it giggled.

"You seem to remind me of myself when I was a little boy. My papa and I would go swimming together in the lake."

"Papa?"

"Yes, Papa."

"Papa. Papa Alois." It kicked his feet and chirped loudly. I smiled. I couldn't help it; I missed Damien terribly, but perhaps this creature would give me happiness until I was finally with my Justine.

"If that is what you wish." I chuckled.

"Yes. Mine. Papa Alois. Mine."

Being here, knowing I couldn't leave, even with Shadow by my side, made me feel better nonetheless. I lost my pet, but gained a son.


	12. Entry 12

Shadow took me on a tour of the castle.

It was large; I can't see, but I walked for what felt like forever. I could hear him slink against the stone floor; he didn't seem to fully grasp his hands and feet yet.

"Here. Hand. Hold it." It chirped as it placed a slimy tendril into my mangled palm. It was different, but I had a smile on my face the entire time. I couldn't help but think he was adorable. Perhaps it was because I had to use my imagination to figure out what he looked like.

"So, Shadow, where are we going?" I asked, chuckling softly. I couldn't help but feel right, happy, with this other worldly being.

"Water. More swimming." It cooed as we walked through long, winding halls and down countless steps.

Normally, I would have been afraid, venturing through a place I had never been before, but something told me Shadow would take care of me. He's a good boy.

As we passed by a corner, I heard a terrifying growl. It seemed to come toward me.

"S-Shadow, what is-"

"Grunt. Mine." He whispered, and stopped moving. The thing did not cease moving, as it began running toward us.

"Stop. Grunt." He growled right back, I feel as if he held his little tendrils in protest, they're more like tentacles, really.

The monster backed away, gurgling and snarling. I do believe it apologized.

"See? All better. Grunt's mine. Listens. Good grunt. Find Daniel. Kill him." I heard something slimy slap against something. I couldn't help but snicker. I think Shadow pat the monster on his back. This slimy being doesn't cease to amaze me.

The monster walked by us as we continued our trek to the Cellar Archives.

"Archives, Shadow?"

"Yep. Kaernk down there. Gonna play in his water." He chirped happily.

We finally made it there, and I knew it because I was immediately submerged in water up to my knees. I heard a bubbling-shadow was too small. Instantaneously I began looking for him, shoving my hands in the water, but he had already started climbing me. He chirped, water coming out of his mouth, like cherub fountain.

"Yes, deep. Kaernk doesn't like me. So, I'm gonna play in his water. Which is mine." It purred, hanging off my wheel, its slimy tentacles splashing in the cold water.

At that point it had just occurred to me that I couldn't remember the last time I laughed so much. I'm sure it was with Justine, but…I can't remember.

As I began to feel sorry for myself, I heard some splashing off in the distance. Shadow began to growl.

"Kaernk. I'm in your water." He spoke, splashing heavily.

"No, that's my water! You-you can't have it!" Came a cry. I believe it was this kaernk.

"Shadow, what is a kaernk?" It cooed as if it didn't know.

"I'm kaernk!" It called out, splashing closer to me.

"Are you like Shadow?" I asked, backing away.

It let out a 'harumph'. "Of course I'm not! I'm not mean, like Shadow. I don't take others water."

Shadow chirped angrily. "My water. Mine!"

"No, it's not!" Kaernk was definitely not happy.

"Well, what do you look like? Can you explain? I can't…see." I asked, trying to make the monster feel a bit better. I could tell the two didn't get along.

"…Me?" The monster seemed shocked, as if no one had ever talked to him before.

"Invisible." Shadow laughed.

"That's not very nice." I scolded him.

"…He's right." The monster sighed.

"What?"

"I'm invisible. Even I don't know what I look like." Kaernk spoke softly, smacking the water as if to convey its frustration and sadness. "And no one talks to me because they can't see me. Even the other servants don't understand me." He sighed.

"Haha. Everyone hates you. Hates you, hates you!" Shadow gurgled, chanting.

"Enough." I spoke with authority, as his papa. "It seems as though Kaernk goes through a lot, Shadow. You're not being very nice." He whistled, almost sounding sad. I wondered if Shadow had ever been scolded before; I doubt it.

"He's not very nice, too." He spoke, kicking the water toward the monster.

"So, Kaernk, no one talks to you?"

"No, never. Everyone is too scared of me." He answered. "And I'm stuck down here, looking for Daniel. Ugh, I hate him." I giggled; it seemed as if everyone hated Daniel here. Poor fellow.

"Well, maybe if they could see you, they'd talk to you more often?" I remarked, thinking deeply, wondering what could be done. And then I knew.

"Shadow! Can you go and find me a bow?" I asked.

"Bow? What is bow?" I showed him what one would look like using my hands, remembering what types of bowties I once owned. "Nothing fancy, but if you can find one, that would be wonderful."

Reluctantly, Shadow disappeared, and I was left alone with Kaernk, the water monster.

"I don't understand; what would a bow do?"

"Oh, you'll see." I smirked, waiting for my son to come back. In no time I heard a splashing in the water.

"Here." I heard a gurgle, and I picked Shadow up. "Pink. It's pink." It chirped and cooed, and I grabbed the bow. It was perfect.

I handed it to the monster I couldn't see.

"Put this on."

"What?"

"Put this on. Then people will know you're there." I smiled. Kaernk took the bow and placed it on him.

"I…thank you." He laughed. "I look better than Shadow!"

"Hey! Bow! Mine!" Shadow hissed as he moved restlessly, trying to reach for the bow back, but Kaernk wouldn't allow it.

"Don't make me grab the acid!" He threatened. Shadow screeched.

"Alright, enough, you two." I laughed; they acted like brothers. "Shadow, I think we should get going now. The fountain upstairs is plenty big enough for you. Let Kaernk have his water."

"But-Shadow older! All mine!"

I sighed. "I think you should learn how to share." He puffed and growled, but they turned into purrs. He knew I was right, but I knew it would take time.

"It was nice meeting you, Kaernk." I smiled, reaching out to him. I know he was nervous, but he reached out as well, grabbing my hand and squeezing it.

"Thank you…um, your name was?"

"Alois."

"Alois." All of a sudden I was grabbed by the water monster, the wet hug oddly satisfying. "Thank you, Alois. You can stop by and play in my water, anytime!"

Shadow and Kaernk still do not get along, but they both try to behave while I'm around.

A.N/ Okay, so when Shadow tries to grab the bow back, I picture him in Alois' arms and him doing "grabby hands" to get the bow. XD The bow was not my idea, but I couldn't think of any other way to show he had it. I couldn't say something like, "Oh? You have a bow? Let's see it on!" Because well, Alois can't see. D:


	13. Entry 13

Shadow showed me to the Wine Cellar.

It took a while to get there, but with Shadow's help, we managed to make it there. It was quite a walk, especially with these painful feet of mine, but by the time we made it there I was almost dry from our time splashing around with Kaernk.

With a slithery tendril, Shadow grabbed a bottle and tasted it, then began to spit and cough.

"Wrong bottle." He choked out before making it over to a wine rack, grabbing a bottle that was slithered and slunk toward me and my hands reached out as he gave me a bottle.

"Open." He chirped, and with my strength I broke the top off, some wine spilling. I laughed a bit, still surprised by my unnatural strength. As I was just about to put the jagged glass wine bottle to my parched lips, Shadow shrieked.

"No! Gimme!" I sighed and let him taste it. This time, there was no sputter, no choking or coughing. He sighed, as if he enjoyed it.

"Okay. Here." It chirped and cooed, climbing me as I nodded and took a sip. It was an old wine, a sweet, wonderful wine. I let out a breath of content; it felt like it had been ages since I could enjoy this adult past time.

"How come you had to taste it first?" I asked, curious. I assumed he just wanted to try it first, but his coo was lowered.

"Some wine bad. Make you Grunt." He nudged his slimy body against my aching neck, and somehow I found comfort from it. "I like Papa. Like him the way he is."

I smiled. "Well, thank you, Shadow, for looking out for me." My other hand reached up and pet him. He cooed.

"So, what else is around here?" I turned my head back and forth out of habit, fully aware I couldn't look around anyway.

"Choir, cells, guest room, enter….ancy."

"Enterancy? Oh, you mean Entrance?" Entrance. A way out? I felt my body shiver.

"Can you get me out of here?" I shouted, just the thought of being reunited with Justine made me warm again.

"Nope." He whistled, climbing down once more, a tendril laced with my empty hand as the other held the bottle. "Only go where I am." He spoke softly.

Only where he is? So, how did he get inside Justine's estate? How was he there? I tried asking him, but his words are just not there, he couldn't tell me.

I decided it would be best to continue helping his vocabulary. The hardest part is remembering the poetry I had to memorize as a child, but at least it's helping me keep my humanity.

I will not lose myself to this abomination I am, even if Justine created me. When I see her again, I will be able to have a normal conversation with her, and Shadow will help me, in return, with polite conversation.

We will help each other.


	14. Entry 14

I can hear music.

Once shadow showed me the Wine Cellar, I became very tired. I asked for him to take me back to the estate, and he did so. He's a very good, well, whatever he is.

As soon as I felt the familiar ground I called out to him, but oddly enough, he did not stay.

I called out to him, but there was no answer.

Shadow. Shadow, where has he gone?

Since then I've grown back into my routine. I sit here and pace back and forth, awaiting my love.

And at this very moment, I can hear music flooding the area. Voices speaking and laughing. Why, she must be having a party. But a party for what?

I noticed it's much colder down here than it has been.

A Christmas party? No, Justine always went to her friends estates for the festivities.

But, it could always be…ah yes, it is the last day of the year. The music was light and upbeat. Airy, some might say. It put me in a good mood, even though I am down here, by myself, hidden from the world.

I recognized some of the music, and I began to sing along. I hummed the tunes; my voice wheezing and cracking, but I didn't mind.

The music went on for hours, and then all became quiet, until I heard the screaming of the words " Cinq, quatre, trois, deux, un, Bonne année et bonne santé!"

And then the guests began singing the popular tune, Choral des Adieux. Yes, it is indeed a new year.

I hope my new year is full of hope and a real future. It's all I want. If Justine ever does read this, I wish her a joyous new year; one with love happiness. And I hope that love and happiness comes from me.

I miss you, Justine.

My new year hasn't started yet. It won't until I hold you in my arms once more.

And a very happy new year it will be.


	15. Entry 15

I am severely depressed.

Shadow has been missing for far too long and I've grown weary of waiting for my beloved. I don't know what to do anymore and I have yet to figure out how to get out of this blasted place!

If only my love would come for me.

I need Justine like I need air and light, both of which are snuffed out and dank in this dark, dismal place.

I can't keep living like this, even if it is Justine's wish. I loathe the dins and whines the estate's frame mutters during the cold winter, and the numbness in my limbs that will never work as well as they used to. I know spring has passed and summer has begun, but the dreadful heat that I would now welcome has not seared through the cold stone.

I moan at random from heartbreak and loneliness, and I begin to wonder if I did not have this parchment and ink would I truly just slip into insanity?

I call for Shadow from time to time, hoping he'll show so I can at least converse with another being. Any thing, even if he is otherworldly.

I am running out of ink, and this journal is the first I've written in my own blood since my incarceration inside the small cell.

I await your return, Justine. I will forever wait for you, for your warmth, and until then I shall continue to await Shadow.


End file.
